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Humor Times

HUMOR TIMES - Trump, Elon Musk, Stephen Miller

Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams

Our perception of truth is particularly fallible when it comes to other people.

By Douglas Board

I grew up with a rock-solid grasp of the difference between reality and fiction: rock-solid but wrong. Reality was stony-faced, wounding and compulsory: a cross-country run in winter rain, the humiliating impossibility of catching leather balls or mastering Mandarin pronunciation. Mostly reality went on and on, unchanging, for example the grinding calendar of scholastic production – lessons and examinations. Sometimes it was fickle. Either way, it was unyielding.

Growing up, fiction was the opposite. Whether it was Jules Verne or Hawaii Five-0, fiction was escape; temporary, of course, but any break-out from the vertical and horizontal bars of a calendar had to be that. After all, time was reality (stony-faced, wounding and compulsory).

I grew up in a modern version of Plato’s cave. We youngsters strapped lamps of reason to our foreheads as we hacked at the shadows of knowledge on the wall. Producing ragged piles of inconsequential facts determined our grades: the capital of Colombia, the square root of two and the practice of transhumance.

Fiction offered escape. I dropped the flashlight of reason to grab the lantern of dreams – the dreams of Agatha Christie, Alistair Maclean and Douglas Adams. Their lanterns bathed the cave’s walls in kaleidoscopic color. Better yet, the lanterns had wings. The joy of exiting the cave like a bat out of hell! (a late adolescent discovery: music could also be an escape. Ditto various substances.)

In fact what the cave produced was millions of knowledge-workers: smart-arses whose shiny rational prowess was soon deployed to produce not piles of facts, but money. I inhaled cave air thick with duty and self-importance. Above all, I knew the cave was real, and home. Escapist fiction was charming, but merely demonstrated the impossibility of living outside.

Discovering the many wrongs baked into this view of reality and imagination took decades: I didn’t try to write fiction seriously until I was 50. Here’s wrong number one.

The cave allegory hangs on light and seeing. However, human eyes are not pinhole cameras but reality constructors with extensive mental processing. We never ‘see’ the boundaries of our blind spots because mental processing fills the spots in with what we ‘know’ is there.

In fact, if we can’t imagine something, we probably won’t ‘see’ it even when it’s front of our nose. A famous experiment in psychology shows observers of a basketball game failing to see a gorilla walk across the court. To take another example, Einstein’s imagination had to work overtime before astronomers could ‘see’ what space-time looked like.

Audrey Niffenegger is a professor of creative writing, not physics. When she picked up her dream lantern and conceived The Time Traveler’s Wife, she flew her readers out of the cave to somewhere astonishing. Millions flexed their imaginative muscles. We left today’s shackles behind but returned able to see more than we could before. Douglas Adams did that for me, but Agatha Christie didn’t. I didn’t grasp the difference at the time.

Our perception is particularly fallible when it comes to other people. Once we have arrived at a view, often in seconds, we stop noticing attentively: we’ve decided that we ‘know’. When the other person is as polarizing as Donald Trump, the effect is multiplied. Like the basketball spectators, we can’t tear our eyes off him, but still we could easily miss gorillas.

So a contribution which fiction can offer is to introduce a character – in my novelette ‘The Rats’ someone a bit weird on the fringes of Scottish business – whose unfamiliarity makes us notice afresh. Our reactions remain subjective, but more than mindless repetition from social or news media. Then, soberly, we can compare the fictional character with the occupant of the White House.

But the cave lets us go farther. For me the deepest Trumpian riddle is: how could it conceivably make sense to vote for a fool and a charlatan, knowing him to be both? (Many Trump supporters see someone heroic; their votes pose no mystery.) ‘Conceivably’ is a clue that the first challenge is to our imagination.

My cave is a disagreeable dream. Suppose for a minute that the dream captures some truth. The process starts, as in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, with the scholastic force-feeding of rationality. Working life after school is even more stony-faced, wounding and compulsory. Each blank square between the horizontal and vertical bars of the calendar becomes another day for mining. It’s a story about imprisoning ourselves, because the cave’s only guards are the ideas in our heads.

The way this dream tells it, the role of the smart and the intellectually credentialed is key. As miners, they reap most of the rewards. As thinkers and teachers, they hammer home the imprisoning ideas (into themselves, as well as others). They lap up money and prestige but are no less trapped than those cast onto the intellectual scrapheap. As for the dreamers, they may be part of the problem – it depends what they do with their lanterns.

This is a picture of carnage. To escape, why not a leader who lifts high the lantern of his crazy dreams and pulls faces at the lights of rationality? Why not an egotistical charlatan, if your other choices are miners?

----------

Elon Musk Reveals: Donald Trump is ‘Starman,’ Now Floating in Space

By James Israel, February 7, 2018

SpaceX entrepreneur says he offered a “free space ride” to the president, and he took it. “He’s Starman now, and he’s in the driver’s seat, the way he likes it.”

SpaceX and Tesla Motors founder Elon Musk shocked the world yesterday, not only with the spectacular rocket launch, but later with the news that the “Starman” sitting in his Tesla Roadster in space right now is actually President Donald Trump.

Elon Musk says that “Starman” is actually President Trump.

The White House fervently denied it, until they realized no one had seen the president since the launch.

“I just thought it would be a nice gesture,” said Musk, “so I offered him a ‘free space ride,’ as kind of a joke. I didn’t think he’d take me up on it.

“I thought about telling him it would mean certain death, but then I thought, well, we could do humanity two favors at once: open a new era of space travel, and get rid of its most vexing problem.”

NASA scientists say it’s possible, since SpaceX had full control of placing the payload on the rocket. “We didn’t inspect it or anything,” said NASA spokesman Dave Blackman, “they seemed to know what they were doing. Certainly, more than we do, these days.”

Logistics were a problem, Musk admitted, since the president added significantly to the payload weight.

“I’ll tell you this, he’s no 239 pounds, that’s for sure. But I’m going to respect his privacy and not give away his real weight,” stated Mr Musk.

“I don’t know why everyone is fretting so much about this. He always insisted on being in the driver’s seat, no matter what he did,” Musk said. “Now, he’s there forever. Pretty fitting, I’d say!”

“He always promoted himself as a star here on Earth. May he rest in peace now, among the real stars.”

----------

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller

By Dean Kaner, February 16, 2018

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews White House advisor Stephen Miller

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Stephen Miller, White House senior advisor to the president.

Stephen Miller. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

STEPHEN MILLER

Hello.

JERRY

Wow, in person the most hated man in America. Are you a distant cousin of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels?

MILLER

Is this some kind of joke?

JERRY

No. Even Harvey Weinstein thinks you’re creepy. My question is who is running the Bates Motel if you are here talking to me?

MILLER

In response to those tasteless remarks, I quote the great Vice President Dan Quayle “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”

JERRY

You grew up in a liberal Democratic household. When did you change sides?

MILLER

In high school. I started riling up my classmates by telling them all the Hispanic students should be deported if they didn’t start speaking English. Then I started getting offers to go on conservative talk radio shows. I told listeners that Osama bin Laden would feel welcome at Santa Monica High School.

JERRY

How did your classmates react?

MILLER

Well, there were flyers of my photo posted on all the lockers with the words “this should scare you from getting pregnant.”

JERRY

When did you realize that you were never going to have friends?

MILLER

It was in preschool when no one would let me play with their toys in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out to every kid. The little monsters thought it was candy and ate it. I laughed my ass off as they gagged and cried.

JERRY

What happened as you got older?

MILLER

I was meaner. In high school, I dropped a childhood friend because he was Mexican American. I was against a student LGBT group and started a campaign to get rid of condoms.

JERRY

What the hell were you thinking?

MILLER

That I could be the next Archie Bunker. I have a spiritual connection to the man.

JERRY

You realize that he’s a fictitious character.

MILLER

No he’s not. Fake news.

JERRY

Okay Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.

MILLER

I went to Duke University. I wanted to get away from California. One of the first things I did was write in the school newspaper that poet Maya Angelou had racial paranoia. Listen Duncan, I’ve read more enlightening things about African Americans on a men’s room stall than her gibberish.

JERRY

You have Trump’s ear. You were the reason the Trumpster changed his mind about DACA before the government shutdown.

MILLER

We think alike. That should be comforting to all Americans.

An intern interrupts the interview.

INTERN

Sorry to bother you Mr. Duncan, but Bernie Sanders is in the hallway. He’s very agitated. Apparently Mr. Miller is getting on his nerves.

JERRY

Send him in, scrambled brains. I like a good fight.

(The sound of a door is heard opening and closing)

BERNIE

Thank you for allowing me to be on your show.

JERRY

Why are you here absent minded professor?

BERNIE

I was listening to your show and disgusted by the hate coming out of the mouth of this putz Stephen Miller. The way he treats immigrants, especially Hispanics is inhumane.

MILLER

Can’t take the heat old man then get out of politics.

BERNIE

Look, my father was an immigrant from Poland. He didn’t have a nickel when he arrived on Ellis Island in 1921.

MILLER

Then you can appreciate this joke. How do you sink a Polish battleship?

BERNIE

With a torpedo?

MILLER

Wrong. Put it is water.

BERNIE

Who wrote that crazy Sean Hannity?

MILLER

Here’s another one. How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

BERNIE

Saw the branch?

MILLER

Wave to him.

BERNIE

Where do you hear this crap?

MILLER

I make it up. I have jokes for every ethnicity. I’m an equal opportunity offender.

BERNIE

You’re a spoiled brat who has a rich daddy. That’s what you are. My old man sold paint for a living. Can you imagine? When he shook paint cans, his head looked like it had Parkinson’s disease.

MILLER

Are  you punishing me because I’m spoiled rotten?

BERNIE

No. I’m punishing you because you are rotten.

MILLER

Poor, poor Bernie.

BERNIE

Yes we were poor. So poor that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Immigrants should have a path to citizenship. And no discrimination as to who gets citizenship.

JERRY

I’ve been listening to you two Nobel Prize winners and have a solution. Get off my show.

MILLER

But I want to talk about my new slogan Make America Meaner for the 2020 Trump campaign.

BERNIE

Then I get to talk about my 2020 campaign slogan. BS you can trust.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News Archive

"Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander in the Middle of 5th Avenue and Gets Away with It" by Roger Freed, Humor Times 12/27/2017

The tiny-handed man had bragged he could do it in public on 5th Avenue over a year ago – turns out he was right.

A man stood brazenly in the middle of 5th Avenue yesterday and shot someone dead.

And got away with it.

To most eyes, it was just another homicide in a city inured to violence.  It, however, had a few different twists than your usual murder.

First of all is that the suspect, an older man with an orange complexion and an oddly colored mop passing for hair on his crown, was earlier in the year heard chanting to a crowd in the Midwest about “shooting somebody on 5th Avenue and getting away with it.”

The man, apparently well known for making inflammatory statements and gestures, appears to be well known in certain business circles and to have a high degree of political influence.  Despite his having brazenly shot dead a pedestrian in broad daylight, the police have strangely not even brought him in for questioning.

The shooter, oddly dressed in very expensive suit and shoes, was at the same time conversely wearing a cheap, loudly colored red baseball hat.  Bystanders report seeing him calmly walking away from the scene to a higher end Mercedes driven by a chauffeur, and not even speeding away, as though he owned the place.  The attack was so bold that some are whispering that it was a Mafia hit by one of the big bosses himself.  Some said that the man seemed like a character off the TV series The Sopranos.

The victim, 43 year old Estavez Marcea, a recent legal immigrant from Honduras, was taking in the sights of the Big Apple on foot and had just stopped to take a few selfies of himself at in the famous entertainment district.

According to reports, the attacker, who had just gotten out of his limousine, glanced around for a few seconds, then apparently chose Marcea at random from the crowd that was ambling about the area on this sunny winter day in Manhattan.  He walked up to Marcea, very openly pulled out an illegally concealed gun, and blasted the immigrant in the chest, head and privates, then, taking his time, packed the gun away and unhurriedly paced back to his waiting car and drove away.

Some who saw the incident said that the gunman seemed to single out Marcea because he was wearing an old “I Love Hillary” button on his coat.

Despite this incident having occurred in broad daylight on one of the most famous tourists intersections in world, and despite it having been witnessed by numerous witnesses who made positive identification of the suspect, no arrests have been made.  The police and even the FBI seem to have little interest in catching the criminal.  Both agencies have refused to answer any questions on the subject.  For reasons unknown, the CIA was brought into the matter, but also refuse to publicly comment or show any progress on the matter.

“It seems we have a situation where this obviously wealthy and powerful individual was able to stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody in cold blood and get away with it!” said reporter Maswa ibn Hardei, a Muslim immigrant and reporter for Al Jazeera News.

Hardei himself disappeared mysteriously shortly after making this comment.  Unconfirmed reports say he was spontaneously deported back to this native land of Iraq.

More will be reported as we receive it.

If we receive it…

HUMOR TIMES - Cartoons

HUMOR TIMES - Trophy Wives (Faux News)

First Lady Announces New ‘Trophy Wives’ Support Group

By Diane de Anda, November 4, 2017

Support group to be First Lady Melania Trump’s national inspiration for wives of millionaires and billionaires.

Melania Trump has finally come up with a First Lady project for which she is eminently qualified. She is planning to start support groups nationwide for trophy wives married to older men.

First Lady Melania and First Daughter Ivanka. Image by outtacontext, flickr.com.

In order to not waste the taxpayers’ money, there will be strict criteria for membership in the support groups. First and foremost, the woman must be rated a 9 or 10 by a panel of aging models, including Heidi Klum and Christie Brinkley. Second, their husbands must be at least 20 years older than they are. Lastly, the husband must have an minimum income of $10 million.

Melania explained, “At first it was only going to be for the wives of billionaires, but then I realized that we should also include the less fortunate.”

The support groups will be based on the lessons contained in the counseling guide written by Melania herself, titled “The Trophy Wife’s Survival Guide,” with the subtitle How to Live with a Disgusting, but Rich, Older Man. Below are a preview of some of the issues dealt with in the book.

1. How to deal with the embarrassment of a bad hairpiece.
2. How to prepare a list of statements ahead of time, such as, “That’s just locker room talk.”
3. How to keep from having to hold hands in public, with a training video of the Melania hand slap.
4. How to smile and present the image of the doting wife in public when you feel nauseated.
5. How to insure your income despite the pre-nup: the have at least one child rule.
6. Makeup tricks to reduce the trips to the plastic surgeon; exception: the ten year boob replacement and butt lift rule.
7. The importance of making sure your husband has a Twitter account.

When queried about the function of the Twitter account, she provided details on its two most important uses and how to insure its value.

“You must make sure that his Twitter account is filled with followers who will tell him he is always right and wonderful no matter how stupid or outrageous his tweets, “ she began.

“How do you do that?” asked the reporter.

“That’s simple. You start with all those whose jobs depend on agreeing with him, then those who would like to be hired or have him buy their products—you know, the usual ‘kiss *** for a buck’ types. Then you hire a few actors to send tweets every now and then that get him angry and busy with a Twitter war.”

“Why would you do that?” asked the puzzled reporter.

“That’s part of lesson number 8, How to avoid sex. You have a text ready to send to your ‘Twitter warriors’ and soon he’s forgotten all about you. An alternate way is to make sure you pump him with lots of fluids before going to bed so between his prostate and his old bladder, he’ll be in and out of the bathroom all night where he can’t resist the temptation to tweet while he’s waiting for his backed-up bladder to finally work.”

“Aren’t you worried that your husband will see your book and be upset about the contents?” questioned the reporter.

Melania smiled and replied, “Why should I worry? Donald never reads anything.”

HUMOR TIMES - Trump's Giant Void (Faux News)

Political Scientists Discover Giant Void Inside Trump’s Head

By Michael Egan, November 4, 2017

In a surprise find, analogous to the one recently in an Egyptian pyramid, a team of researchers has detected a mysterious giant void inside President Donald Trump’s head.

An anomalous space in Donald Trump’s head, now known as the “President’s Giant Void,” has shown up on imagery produced in a scientific study. The scientists were able to track concentrations of subatomic particles called “Morons” as they zoomed in on the president’s hair piece with special equipment.

“We don’t know if the Void is one big structure, or several successive structures,” said Georgio Metropolis, founder of the Scan Trump’s Rug campaign. “What we are sure about is that the Void is there. Given his erratic behavior and public frothing, it was of course expected.”

The find raises far more questions than answers. What purpose does Trump’s Void serve? Is it responsible for his compulsive tweeting, his total stupidity, his moral obtuseness — or all three? Are there any methods that could show more detail about the structure? And is it at all possible to get a closer look?

The 6’2” president was born 70 years ago in NYC. His phony hair was secretly installed “sometime in the 1970s,” as he began to lose both his natural skull-borne fur and his wits. The presidential “rug,” as the construction is called, has been renewed repeatedly over the years by unknown technicians using transplants floated into New York City on barges up the Hudson River and, since January 2017, into DC up the Potomac.

The “Scan Trump’s Rug” campaign represents the latest effort to look into whether more hidden chambers remain to be discovered within the president. Some theorists speculate that he is entirely heartless with only a cash register where a normal human cardiac system is found. Over the past couple of years, research teams have used Moron detectors as well as psychiatric analyses known as Freudons to look for additional anomalies.

“Trump is clearly not entirely human,” Metropolis said. “Indeed, he may well be half-human, half orangutan, as the theologian Bill Maher has suggested. Or he may just be a robotic Ancient Alien sent to take over the planet. The fact that he barely seems to sleep, never drinks, and subsists entirely on hamburgers slathered in ketchup, is both revealing and disturbing.”

Experts don’t know whether the Giant Void and Trump’s cardiac cash register were ever connected, and they can’t say whether the space was purpose-built or merely a moral vacuum left open during his construction process.

Metropolis said continued Moronography and Freudonographics may reveal additional details about the void’s structure. He cautioned that further experiments would have to progress carefully, in a step-by-step fashion.

“It’s important both for public opinion and the fate of humanity to know what is truly inside Trump,” he said.

HUMOR TIMES - Snapshot 7/28/2017

Trump Views the World

Trumpcare Prospects

Trump Administration

The True Native American View

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News

"Perdue Chicken Tapped to Head USDA" by Ron Keith, Humor Times 2/7/2015

‘Who better to run USDA than a farm animal?' says Trump

Self-styled “Emperor-in-Chief” Donald Trump was especially gleeful today, as he announced in a series of tweets that he has decided to withdraw Sonny Perdue's nomination as Secretary of Agriculture.

“Senate approved Betsy DeVos.  Smart move.  Best move.  Gave me and Senators lots of money, which is good for America #MAGA.”

“Now, I have a better candidate than Betsy DeVos.  You'll love it.  A great candidate! Get ready, US.  Best candidate ever!”

“I've asked Frank Perdue to withdraw his candidacy for Secretary of Agriculture.  He did.  Great guy.  The best guy.”

The previous tweet was deleted shortly afterwards and replaced with this tweet:

“I've asked Sonny Perdue to withdraw his candidacy for Secretary of Agriculture.  He did.  Great guy.  The best guy.  Who's his replacement?  Announcement soon.”

Trump followed the corrected tweet with this one:

“Get ready America!  Awesome announcement coming!  The Best!!  You'll love it!”

And finally, this one (spread over a couple tweets):

“Today, I nominate a Perdue chicken (best chickens!) to serve as Secretary of Agriculture.  There's precedent!  Italian emperor guy put a horse in Senate, so I want a chicken for USDA.  Besides, the chicken is smarter and more qualified than the brilliant Betsy DeVos, even with head cut off.  Expect quick Senate confirmation.  #MAGA”

"Trump Promises ‘Full Attention' on Coded Jeannie Messages" by Richard Klin, Humor Times 2/6/2017

Report: Trump spent much of the past few days watching ‘I Dream of Jeannie' and is ‘concerned.'

A highly placed spokesman for President Donald J. Trump revealed that the administration is launching a concerted effort to purge the media of “coded Islamic messages.”  “It's all hands on deck,” the spokesman said, “this is coming straight from President himself.”

Trump spent much of the past few days watching continuous episodes of I Dream of Jeannie, and while the President concluded that “Barbara Eden's hotness factor was nine, almost a ten,” the show's Muslim undertones have caused grave concern.

“Jeannie's from Baghdad,” the spokesman continued.  “And in light of what happened in Bowling Green, the President is taking no chances.”

Trump's focus, the spokesman went on to explain, “won't be solely on Jeannie.  Multi-tasking is his strength, and the President is also very concerned about the Hadji character from the Jonny Quest cartoon series.”  There will be many such policy initiatives in the months to come, including a focus on the Fez character in That ‘70s Show.

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News Jan 2017

"Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words' in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude'" by Michael Egan, Humor Times 1/24/2017

“Restricting extraneous Freedoms of Press, Religion and Speech, and establishing Christianity as the State Religion are also ‘Alt-Word' permitted,” said Kellyanne Conway, “as is, of course, the quartering of soldiers in your home.”

NYC – Motormouth propagandist Kellyanne Conway, Trump's ministress of misinformation, said today that “alternative words” in the Bill of Rights “clearly permit Congress to impose legal restrictions on an unpatriotic and out-of-control lugenpresse.”

Asked to cite the actual language allowing Congress to restrict press and religious liberty, Ms Conway laughed merrily.

“Freedom is in the eye of the beholder,” she said, adding that “citing actual words is what liberals do.”

The First Amendment's “Alt-Word” meanings, she noted, “are as clear as the photographs of Mr Trump's million-person inauguration.

“Just take a look, and you'll see for yourself.”

The misinformation ministress went on: “The trick is to view the First Amendment in a shady light.  If you squint your eyes and hold it at the right angle, and I do mean the Right angle, you'll see that its Alt-Words reveal numerous restrictions.”

“It's like that blue dress/gold dress thing.  You see it one way but Mr Trump sees it another — gold, of course.”

Kellyanne listed some of the First Amendments' alt-word limits.  “For example, you can't shout ‘Donald Trump is lying, racist, fascist bastard!' in a crowded election,” she said.  “Even if it's true.”

Finally, Ms Conway noted that the inability of some Americans to view the Bill of Rights in the proper light was a “tragic disability” comparable to color blindness or muscular degeneration.

The White House would shortly be issuing government “Alt-Read” spectacles to help disadvantaged citizens who stubbornly continue to see things in the old way.

"Trump Announces Official White House News Outlet" by Diane de Anda, Humor Times 1/23/2017

Press secretary proclaims new era for ‘free press,' thanks to the White House.

Amid all the controversy over Trump's war against the media, he made a stunning announcement today: “To stop the fake news that the lying liberal press like the New York Times is feeding to the American public, I have decided to funnel all White House news through an 'Official White House News Outlet.'  From this day forward, all White House News will be reported through the only reputable newspaper in the country, The National Enquirer.”

Trump then left the podium and press secretary Sean Spicer remained to answer questions from White House staffers who had just been hired on as reporters by the National Enquirer.  Reading from the 3 X 5 cards with assigned questions from the press secretary, a novice reporter asked how this was going to improve communication with the public.

“I'm glad you asked that,” he responded.  “Now every citizen will be able to know what the President is thinking or doing without paying a hefty subscription fee.  They can just pick it up at their local grocery or liquor store.”

“Were any other newspapers considered?” read another.

“The Star was a close second, so as a consolation, they will be given a front row seat at any future press conference.”  The press secretary smiled and added as he left the podium, “It will be great to have a truly free press again.”

An interview with the editor of The National Enquirer revealed that due to a huge influx of cash from an anonymous investor, they will be tripling their output, having purchased a new fleet of delivery trucks and three times their present printing equipment, all to be housed for free in the Trump Tower, which he called a “magnanimous gesture” by the President.  They are expecting a surge in sales, particularly in the Rust Belt.

A dark expression then came over the editor's face.  “We have just one problem,” he continued.  “Now that we're giving the White House so much space, we haven't figured out where to put the news on Bigfoot and alien abductions.”

HUMOR TIMES - The Republican Convention Was All Trump All the Time

"The Donald's Trumpapalooza" by Will Durst, Humor Times 7/28/2016
"World's Funniest News Source"

The Republicans wrapped their four-day, multi-network infomercial with a speech from nominee Donald John Trump that ripped the wallpaper off Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena.  Life in America today is dark, dangerous, dismal, dystopian, full of doom and the only light on the horizon is coming from the blinding white teeth of the Blue Collar Billionaire.

The best way to describe what went down last week is…Trumpapalooza.  It was all Trump all the time.  Usually, a party's nominee is the blushing bride, only getting glimpsed at the big closing ceremony, but this bride appeared live or by video all four days and did not blush once.

He needed to fill the void of a large group of Heavy Duty Republicans who stayed home, worried about being painted by the Trump Crazy Brush, which like his hair has an exceptionally wide swath.  Sen. Jeff Flake from Arizona said he didn't go because he “had to mow the lawn.”  Which is just above sorting your sock drawer in terms of sad.

Hence, organizers were forced to flood the stage with Trumps.  Or is it Trumpses?  The whole affair was downright Trumpalicious.  When it wasn't about Hillary, that is.  Which was often.  To say she wasn't getting hit with the happy stick is like intimating that Phoenix in August might creep up past balmy.

Chris Christie was ready to persecute, prosecute, execute, play a flute, and electrocute Mrs. Clinton until she, reduced to ashes, could be safely sprinkled in the Cuyahoga River.  And why is it that even when addressing supporters, the New Jersey Governor sounds like he's reading them their Miranda Rights?

Ben Carsonogenic accused Hillary of being a disciple of Lucifer.  Wow.  Where do you go from there?  Not a lot of wiggle room left.  Should she subsequently kick a puppy, does that make her even more eviler than Lucifer?

The VP pick, Mike Pence, claimed he's not the most exciting politician and proved himself right.  Next to this guy, vanilla seems exotic.  And French vanilla — downright psychedelic.  But he's exactly what Trump needs.  A yin for the yang.  A conservative to balance the renegade.  A soft green mold to muffle the spiky shards.  2% milk for the hydrochloric acid.

And there were plenty of Trumpses to go around.  The first night, the third wife gave a speech, lifting large portions from Obama's only wife.  On Tuesday night the daughter of the second wife spoke along with the son of the first wife.  On Wednesday the other son of the first wife waxed poetic and on the closing night the daughter of the first wife introduced the fertile and fickle man himself.

The show ended with the whole Trump clan crowding the stage including the son of the third wife, and who knows, maybe wives #1 & #2 and a couple of assorted mistresses snuck up there.  The funny thing is, they're all blonde.  Even the ones that aren't blonde are blonde if you catch my drift.  It was Trumptastic.  Or Trumpatrocious, depending on your point of view.

But the real star was Ted Cruz who ripped a page straight out of the Trump playbook because even though the Texas Senator got booed for not endorsing his rival, we're still talking about him, making him the presumptive front-runner for 2020 GOP nomination.  And yes, you're right.  Thinking about 2020 is dark and dismal.

HUMOR TIMES - This Week We Have....

RNC Convention

Driving While Black

HUMOR TIMES - Politics 6/17/2016