HUMOR TIMES - Trump, Elon Musk, Stephen Miller

Trump, Truth and the Lantern of Dreams

Our perception of truth is particularly fallible when it comes to other people.

By Douglas Board

I grew up with a rock-solid grasp of the difference between reality and fiction: rock-solid but wrong. Reality was stony-faced, wounding and compulsory: a cross-country run in winter rain, the humiliating impossibility of catching leather balls or mastering Mandarin pronunciation. Mostly reality went on and on, unchanging, for example the grinding calendar of scholastic production – lessons and examinations. Sometimes it was fickle. Either way, it was unyielding.

Growing up, fiction was the opposite. Whether it was Jules Verne or Hawaii Five-0, fiction was escape; temporary, of course, but any break-out from the vertical and horizontal bars of a calendar had to be that. After all, time was reality (stony-faced, wounding and compulsory).

I grew up in a modern version of Plato’s cave. We youngsters strapped lamps of reason to our foreheads as we hacked at the shadows of knowledge on the wall. Producing ragged piles of inconsequential facts determined our grades: the capital of Colombia, the square root of two and the practice of transhumance.

Fiction offered escape. I dropped the flashlight of reason to grab the lantern of dreams – the dreams of Agatha Christie, Alistair Maclean and Douglas Adams. Their lanterns bathed the cave’s walls in kaleidoscopic color. Better yet, the lanterns had wings. The joy of exiting the cave like a bat out of hell! (a late adolescent discovery: music could also be an escape. Ditto various substances.)

In fact what the cave produced was millions of knowledge-workers: smart-arses whose shiny rational prowess was soon deployed to produce not piles of facts, but money. I inhaled cave air thick with duty and self-importance. Above all, I knew the cave was real, and home. Escapist fiction was charming, but merely demonstrated the impossibility of living outside.

Discovering the many wrongs baked into this view of reality and imagination took decades: I didn’t try to write fiction seriously until I was 50. Here’s wrong number one.

The cave allegory hangs on light and seeing. However, human eyes are not pinhole cameras but reality constructors with extensive mental processing. We never ‘see’ the boundaries of our blind spots because mental processing fills the spots in with what we ‘know’ is there.

In fact, if we can’t imagine something, we probably won’t ‘see’ it even when it’s front of our nose. A famous experiment in psychology shows observers of a basketball game failing to see a gorilla walk across the court. To take another example, Einstein’s imagination had to work overtime before astronomers could ‘see’ what space-time looked like.

Audrey Niffenegger is a professor of creative writing, not physics. When she picked up her dream lantern and conceived The Time Traveler’s Wife, she flew her readers out of the cave to somewhere astonishing. Millions flexed their imaginative muscles. We left today’s shackles behind but returned able to see more than we could before. Douglas Adams did that for me, but Agatha Christie didn’t. I didn’t grasp the difference at the time.

Our perception is particularly fallible when it comes to other people. Once we have arrived at a view, often in seconds, we stop noticing attentively: we’ve decided that we ‘know’. When the other person is as polarizing as Donald Trump, the effect is multiplied. Like the basketball spectators, we can’t tear our eyes off him, but still we could easily miss gorillas.

So a contribution which fiction can offer is to introduce a character – in my novelette ‘The Rats’ someone a bit weird on the fringes of Scottish business – whose unfamiliarity makes us notice afresh. Our reactions remain subjective, but more than mindless repetition from social or news media. Then, soberly, we can compare the fictional character with the occupant of the White House.

But the cave lets us go farther. For me the deepest Trumpian riddle is: how could it conceivably make sense to vote for a fool and a charlatan, knowing him to be both? (Many Trump supporters see someone heroic; their votes pose no mystery.) ‘Conceivably’ is a clue that the first challenge is to our imagination.

My cave is a disagreeable dream. Suppose for a minute that the dream captures some truth. The process starts, as in Pink Floyd’s The Wall, with the scholastic force-feeding of rationality. Working life after school is even more stony-faced, wounding and compulsory. Each blank square between the horizontal and vertical bars of the calendar becomes another day for mining. It’s a story about imprisoning ourselves, because the cave’s only guards are the ideas in our heads.

The way this dream tells it, the role of the smart and the intellectually credentialed is key. As miners, they reap most of the rewards. As thinkers and teachers, they hammer home the imprisoning ideas (into themselves, as well as others). They lap up money and prestige but are no less trapped than those cast onto the intellectual scrapheap. As for the dreamers, they may be part of the problem – it depends what they do with their lanterns.

This is a picture of carnage. To escape, why not a leader who lifts high the lantern of his crazy dreams and pulls faces at the lights of rationality? Why not an egotistical charlatan, if your other choices are miners?

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Elon Musk Reveals: Donald Trump is ‘Starman,’ Now Floating in Space

By James Israel, February 7, 2018

SpaceX entrepreneur says he offered a “free space ride” to the president, and he took it. “He’s Starman now, and he’s in the driver’s seat, the way he likes it.”

SpaceX and Tesla Motors founder Elon Musk shocked the world yesterday, not only with the spectacular rocket launch, but later with the news that the “Starman” sitting in his Tesla Roadster in space right now is actually President Donald Trump.

Elon Musk says that “Starman” is actually President Trump.

The White House fervently denied it, until they realized no one had seen the president since the launch.

“I just thought it would be a nice gesture,” said Musk, “so I offered him a ‘free space ride,’ as kind of a joke. I didn’t think he’d take me up on it.

“I thought about telling him it would mean certain death, but then I thought, well, we could do humanity two favors at once: open a new era of space travel, and get rid of its most vexing problem.”

NASA scientists say it’s possible, since SpaceX had full control of placing the payload on the rocket. “We didn’t inspect it or anything,” said NASA spokesman Dave Blackman, “they seemed to know what they were doing. Certainly, more than we do, these days.”

Logistics were a problem, Musk admitted, since the president added significantly to the payload weight.

“I’ll tell you this, he’s no 239 pounds, that’s for sure. But I’m going to respect his privacy and not give away his real weight,” stated Mr Musk.

“I don’t know why everyone is fretting so much about this. He always insisted on being in the driver’s seat, no matter what he did,” Musk said. “Now, he’s there forever. Pretty fitting, I’d say!”

“He always promoted himself as a star here on Earth. May he rest in peace now, among the real stars.”

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The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Advisor Stephen Miller

By Dean Kaner, February 16, 2018

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews White House advisor Stephen Miller

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Stephen Miller, White House senior advisor to the president.

Stephen Miller. Image by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

STEPHEN MILLER

Hello.

JERRY

Wow, in person the most hated man in America. Are you a distant cousin of Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels?

MILLER

Is this some kind of joke?

JERRY

No. Even Harvey Weinstein thinks you’re creepy. My question is who is running the Bates Motel if you are here talking to me?

MILLER

In response to those tasteless remarks, I quote the great Vice President Dan Quayle “What a waste it is to lose one’s mind.”

JERRY

You grew up in a liberal Democratic household. When did you change sides?

MILLER

In high school. I started riling up my classmates by telling them all the Hispanic students should be deported if they didn’t start speaking English. Then I started getting offers to go on conservative talk radio shows. I told listeners that Osama bin Laden would feel welcome at Santa Monica High School.

JERRY

How did your classmates react?

MILLER

Well, there were flyers of my photo posted on all the lockers with the words “this should scare you from getting pregnant.”

JERRY

When did you realize that you were never going to have friends?

MILLER

It was in preschool when no one would let me play with their toys in the sandbox. But I got even. There were clumps of cat turds underneath the sand, so I scooped them up with my hands and passed them out to every kid. The little monsters thought it was candy and ate it. I laughed my ass off as they gagged and cried.

JERRY

What happened as you got older?

MILLER

I was meaner. In high school, I dropped a childhood friend because he was Mexican American. I was against a student LGBT group and started a campaign to get rid of condoms.

JERRY

What the hell were you thinking?

MILLER

That I could be the next Archie Bunker. I have a spiritual connection to the man.

JERRY

You realize that he’s a fictitious character.

MILLER

No he’s not. Fake news.

JERRY

Okay Meathead. Let’s talk about your college days.

MILLER

I went to Duke University. I wanted to get away from California. One of the first things I did was write in the school newspaper that poet Maya Angelou had racial paranoia. Listen Duncan, I’ve read more enlightening things about African Americans on a men’s room stall than her gibberish.

JERRY

You have Trump’s ear. You were the reason the Trumpster changed his mind about DACA before the government shutdown.

MILLER

We think alike. That should be comforting to all Americans.

An intern interrupts the interview.

INTERN

Sorry to bother you Mr. Duncan, but Bernie Sanders is in the hallway. He’s very agitated. Apparently Mr. Miller is getting on his nerves.

JERRY

Send him in, scrambled brains. I like a good fight.

(The sound of a door is heard opening and closing)

BERNIE

Thank you for allowing me to be on your show.

JERRY

Why are you here absent minded professor?

BERNIE

I was listening to your show and disgusted by the hate coming out of the mouth of this putz Stephen Miller. The way he treats immigrants, especially Hispanics is inhumane.

MILLER

Can’t take the heat old man then get out of politics.

BERNIE

Look, my father was an immigrant from Poland. He didn’t have a nickel when he arrived on Ellis Island in 1921.

MILLER

Then you can appreciate this joke. How do you sink a Polish battleship?

BERNIE

With a torpedo?

MILLER

Wrong. Put it is water.

BERNIE

Who wrote that crazy Sean Hannity?

MILLER

Here’s another one. How do you get a one-armed Pole out of a tree?

BERNIE

Saw the branch?

MILLER

Wave to him.

BERNIE

Where do you hear this crap?

MILLER

I make it up. I have jokes for every ethnicity. I’m an equal opportunity offender.

BERNIE

You’re a spoiled brat who has a rich daddy. That’s what you are. My old man sold paint for a living. Can you imagine? When he shook paint cans, his head looked like it had Parkinson’s disease.

MILLER

Are  you punishing me because I’m spoiled rotten?

BERNIE

No. I’m punishing you because you are rotten.

MILLER

Poor, poor Bernie.

BERNIE

Yes we were poor. So poor that if I wasn’t a boy, I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

Immigrants should have a path to citizenship. And no discrimination as to who gets citizenship.

JERRY

I’ve been listening to you two Nobel Prize winners and have a solution. Get off my show.

MILLER

But I want to talk about my new slogan Make America Meaner for the 2020 Trump campaign.

BERNIE

Then I get to talk about my 2020 campaign slogan. BS you can trust.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News Archive

"Strange Man Shoots Innocent Bystander in the Middle of 5th Avenue and Gets Away with It" by Roger Freed, Humor Times 12/27/2017

The tiny-handed man had bragged he could do it in public on 5th Avenue over a year ago – turns out he was right.

A man stood brazenly in the middle of 5th Avenue yesterday and shot someone dead.

And got away with it.

To most eyes, it was just another homicide in a city inured to violence.  It, however, had a few different twists than your usual murder.

First of all is that the suspect, an older man with an orange complexion and an oddly colored mop passing for hair on his crown, was earlier in the year heard chanting to a crowd in the Midwest about “shooting somebody on 5th Avenue and getting away with it.”

The man, apparently well known for making inflammatory statements and gestures, appears to be well known in certain business circles and to have a high degree of political influence.  Despite his having brazenly shot dead a pedestrian in broad daylight, the police have strangely not even brought him in for questioning.

The shooter, oddly dressed in very expensive suit and shoes, was at the same time conversely wearing a cheap, loudly colored red baseball hat.  Bystanders report seeing him calmly walking away from the scene to a higher end Mercedes driven by a chauffeur, and not even speeding away, as though he owned the place.  The attack was so bold that some are whispering that it was a Mafia hit by one of the big bosses himself.  Some said that the man seemed like a character off the TV series The Sopranos.

The victim, 43 year old Estavez Marcea, a recent legal immigrant from Honduras, was taking in the sights of the Big Apple on foot and had just stopped to take a few selfies of himself at in the famous entertainment district.

According to reports, the attacker, who had just gotten out of his limousine, glanced around for a few seconds, then apparently chose Marcea at random from the crowd that was ambling about the area on this sunny winter day in Manhattan.  He walked up to Marcea, very openly pulled out an illegally concealed gun, and blasted the immigrant in the chest, head and privates, then, taking his time, packed the gun away and unhurriedly paced back to his waiting car and drove away.

Some who saw the incident said that the gunman seemed to single out Marcea because he was wearing an old “I Love Hillary” button on his coat.

Despite this incident having occurred in broad daylight on one of the most famous tourists intersections in world, and despite it having been witnessed by numerous witnesses who made positive identification of the suspect, no arrests have been made.  The police and even the FBI seem to have little interest in catching the criminal.  Both agencies have refused to answer any questions on the subject.  For reasons unknown, the CIA was brought into the matter, but also refuse to publicly comment or show any progress on the matter.

“It seems we have a situation where this obviously wealthy and powerful individual was able to stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody in cold blood and get away with it!” said reporter Maswa ibn Hardei, a Muslim immigrant and reporter for Al Jazeera News.

Hardei himself disappeared mysteriously shortly after making this comment.  Unconfirmed reports say he was spontaneously deported back to this native land of Iraq.

More will be reported as we receive it.

If we receive it…

HUMOR TIMES - Trophy Wives (Faux News)

First Lady Announces New ‘Trophy Wives’ Support Group

By Diane de Anda, November 4, 2017

Support group to be First Lady Melania Trump’s national inspiration for wives of millionaires and billionaires.

Melania Trump has finally come up with a First Lady project for which she is eminently qualified. She is planning to start support groups nationwide for trophy wives married to older men.

First Lady Melania and First Daughter Ivanka. Image by outtacontext, flickr.com.

In order to not waste the taxpayers’ money, there will be strict criteria for membership in the support groups. First and foremost, the woman must be rated a 9 or 10 by a panel of aging models, including Heidi Klum and Christie Brinkley. Second, their husbands must be at least 20 years older than they are. Lastly, the husband must have an minimum income of $10 million.

Melania explained, “At first it was only going to be for the wives of billionaires, but then I realized that we should also include the less fortunate.”

The support groups will be based on the lessons contained in the counseling guide written by Melania herself, titled “The Trophy Wife’s Survival Guide,” with the subtitle How to Live with a Disgusting, but Rich, Older Man. Below are a preview of some of the issues dealt with in the book.

1. How to deal with the embarrassment of a bad hairpiece.
2. How to prepare a list of statements ahead of time, such as, “That’s just locker room talk.”
3. How to keep from having to hold hands in public, with a training video of the Melania hand slap.
4. How to smile and present the image of the doting wife in public when you feel nauseated.
5. How to insure your income despite the pre-nup: the have at least one child rule.
6. Makeup tricks to reduce the trips to the plastic surgeon; exception: the ten year boob replacement and butt lift rule.
7. The importance of making sure your husband has a Twitter account.

When queried about the function of the Twitter account, she provided details on its two most important uses and how to insure its value.

“You must make sure that his Twitter account is filled with followers who will tell him he is always right and wonderful no matter how stupid or outrageous his tweets, “ she began.

“How do you do that?” asked the reporter.

“That’s simple. You start with all those whose jobs depend on agreeing with him, then those who would like to be hired or have him buy their products—you know, the usual ‘kiss *** for a buck’ types. Then you hire a few actors to send tweets every now and then that get him angry and busy with a Twitter war.”

“Why would you do that?” asked the puzzled reporter.

“That’s part of lesson number 8, How to avoid sex. You have a text ready to send to your ‘Twitter warriors’ and soon he’s forgotten all about you. An alternate way is to make sure you pump him with lots of fluids before going to bed so between his prostate and his old bladder, he’ll be in and out of the bathroom all night where he can’t resist the temptation to tweet while he’s waiting for his backed-up bladder to finally work.”

“Aren’t you worried that your husband will see your book and be upset about the contents?” questioned the reporter.

Melania smiled and replied, “Why should I worry? Donald never reads anything.”

HUMOR TIMES - Trump's Giant Void (Faux News)

Political Scientists Discover Giant Void Inside Trump’s Head

By Michael Egan, November 4, 2017

In a surprise find, analogous to the one recently in an Egyptian pyramid, a team of researchers has detected a mysterious giant void inside President Donald Trump’s head.

An anomalous space in Donald Trump’s head, now known as the “President’s Giant Void,” has shown up on imagery produced in a scientific study. The scientists were able to track concentrations of subatomic particles called “Morons” as they zoomed in on the president’s hair piece with special equipment.

“We don’t know if the Void is one big structure, or several successive structures,” said Georgio Metropolis, founder of the Scan Trump’s Rug campaign. “What we are sure about is that the Void is there. Given his erratic behavior and public frothing, it was of course expected.”

The find raises far more questions than answers. What purpose does Trump’s Void serve? Is it responsible for his compulsive tweeting, his total stupidity, his moral obtuseness — or all three? Are there any methods that could show more detail about the structure? And is it at all possible to get a closer look?

The 6’2” president was born 70 years ago in NYC. His phony hair was secretly installed “sometime in the 1970s,” as he began to lose both his natural skull-borne fur and his wits. The presidential “rug,” as the construction is called, has been renewed repeatedly over the years by unknown technicians using transplants floated into New York City on barges up the Hudson River and, since January 2017, into DC up the Potomac.

The “Scan Trump’s Rug” campaign represents the latest effort to look into whether more hidden chambers remain to be discovered within the president. Some theorists speculate that he is entirely heartless with only a cash register where a normal human cardiac system is found. Over the past couple of years, research teams have used Moron detectors as well as psychiatric analyses known as Freudons to look for additional anomalies.

“Trump is clearly not entirely human,” Metropolis said. “Indeed, he may well be half-human, half orangutan, as the theologian Bill Maher has suggested. Or he may just be a robotic Ancient Alien sent to take over the planet. The fact that he barely seems to sleep, never drinks, and subsists entirely on hamburgers slathered in ketchup, is both revealing and disturbing.”

Experts don’t know whether the Giant Void and Trump’s cardiac cash register were ever connected, and they can’t say whether the space was purpose-built or merely a moral vacuum left open during his construction process.

Metropolis said continued Moronography and Freudonographics may reveal additional details about the void’s structure. He cautioned that further experiments would have to progress carefully, in a step-by-step fashion.

“It’s important both for public opinion and the fate of humanity to know what is truly inside Trump,” he said.

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News

"Perdue Chicken Tapped to Head USDA" by Ron Keith, Humor Times 2/7/2015

‘Who better to run USDA than a farm animal?' says Trump

Self-styled “Emperor-in-Chief” Donald Trump was especially gleeful today, as he announced in a series of tweets that he has decided to withdraw Sonny Perdue's nomination as Secretary of Agriculture.

“Senate approved Betsy DeVos.  Smart move.  Best move.  Gave me and Senators lots of money, which is good for America #MAGA.”

“Now, I have a better candidate than Betsy DeVos.  You'll love it.  A great candidate! Get ready, US.  Best candidate ever!”

“I've asked Frank Perdue to withdraw his candidacy for Secretary of Agriculture.  He did.  Great guy.  The best guy.”

The previous tweet was deleted shortly afterwards and replaced with this tweet:

“I've asked Sonny Perdue to withdraw his candidacy for Secretary of Agriculture.  He did.  Great guy.  The best guy.  Who's his replacement?  Announcement soon.”

Trump followed the corrected tweet with this one:

“Get ready America!  Awesome announcement coming!  The Best!!  You'll love it!”

And finally, this one (spread over a couple tweets):

“Today, I nominate a Perdue chicken (best chickens!) to serve as Secretary of Agriculture.  There's precedent!  Italian emperor guy put a horse in Senate, so I want a chicken for USDA.  Besides, the chicken is smarter and more qualified than the brilliant Betsy DeVos, even with head cut off.  Expect quick Senate confirmation.  #MAGA”

"Trump Promises ‘Full Attention' on Coded Jeannie Messages" by Richard Klin, Humor Times 2/6/2017

Report: Trump spent much of the past few days watching ‘I Dream of Jeannie' and is ‘concerned.'

A highly placed spokesman for President Donald J. Trump revealed that the administration is launching a concerted effort to purge the media of “coded Islamic messages.”  “It's all hands on deck,” the spokesman said, “this is coming straight from President himself.”

Trump spent much of the past few days watching continuous episodes of I Dream of Jeannie, and while the President concluded that “Barbara Eden's hotness factor was nine, almost a ten,” the show's Muslim undertones have caused grave concern.

“Jeannie's from Baghdad,” the spokesman continued.  “And in light of what happened in Bowling Green, the President is taking no chances.”

Trump's focus, the spokesman went on to explain, “won't be solely on Jeannie.  Multi-tasking is his strength, and the President is also very concerned about the Hadji character from the Jonny Quest cartoon series.”  There will be many such policy initiatives in the months to come, including a focus on the Fez character in That ‘70s Show.

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News Jan 2017

"Kellyanne Conway: ‘Alternative Words' in Bill of Rights Allow Trump ‘Lots of Latitude'" by Michael Egan, Humor Times 1/24/2017

“Restricting extraneous Freedoms of Press, Religion and Speech, and establishing Christianity as the State Religion are also ‘Alt-Word' permitted,” said Kellyanne Conway, “as is, of course, the quartering of soldiers in your home.”

NYC – Motormouth propagandist Kellyanne Conway, Trump's ministress of misinformation, said today that “alternative words” in the Bill of Rights “clearly permit Congress to impose legal restrictions on an unpatriotic and out-of-control lugenpresse.”

Asked to cite the actual language allowing Congress to restrict press and religious liberty, Ms Conway laughed merrily.

“Freedom is in the eye of the beholder,” she said, adding that “citing actual words is what liberals do.”

The First Amendment's “Alt-Word” meanings, she noted, “are as clear as the photographs of Mr Trump's million-person inauguration.

“Just take a look, and you'll see for yourself.”

The misinformation ministress went on: “The trick is to view the First Amendment in a shady light.  If you squint your eyes and hold it at the right angle, and I do mean the Right angle, you'll see that its Alt-Words reveal numerous restrictions.”

“It's like that blue dress/gold dress thing.  You see it one way but Mr Trump sees it another — gold, of course.”

Kellyanne listed some of the First Amendments' alt-word limits.  “For example, you can't shout ‘Donald Trump is lying, racist, fascist bastard!' in a crowded election,” she said.  “Even if it's true.”

Finally, Ms Conway noted that the inability of some Americans to view the Bill of Rights in the proper light was a “tragic disability” comparable to color blindness or muscular degeneration.

The White House would shortly be issuing government “Alt-Read” spectacles to help disadvantaged citizens who stubbornly continue to see things in the old way.

"Trump Announces Official White House News Outlet" by Diane de Anda, Humor Times 1/23/2017

Press secretary proclaims new era for ‘free press,' thanks to the White House.

Amid all the controversy over Trump's war against the media, he made a stunning announcement today: “To stop the fake news that the lying liberal press like the New York Times is feeding to the American public, I have decided to funnel all White House news through an 'Official White House News Outlet.'  From this day forward, all White House News will be reported through the only reputable newspaper in the country, The National Enquirer.”

Trump then left the podium and press secretary Sean Spicer remained to answer questions from White House staffers who had just been hired on as reporters by the National Enquirer.  Reading from the 3 X 5 cards with assigned questions from the press secretary, a novice reporter asked how this was going to improve communication with the public.

“I'm glad you asked that,” he responded.  “Now every citizen will be able to know what the President is thinking or doing without paying a hefty subscription fee.  They can just pick it up at their local grocery or liquor store.”

“Were any other newspapers considered?” read another.

“The Star was a close second, so as a consolation, they will be given a front row seat at any future press conference.”  The press secretary smiled and added as he left the podium, “It will be great to have a truly free press again.”

An interview with the editor of The National Enquirer revealed that due to a huge influx of cash from an anonymous investor, they will be tripling their output, having purchased a new fleet of delivery trucks and three times their present printing equipment, all to be housed for free in the Trump Tower, which he called a “magnanimous gesture” by the President.  They are expecting a surge in sales, particularly in the Rust Belt.

A dark expression then came over the editor's face.  “We have just one problem,” he continued.  “Now that we're giving the White House so much space, we haven't figured out where to put the news on Bigfoot and alien abductions.”

FAUX NEWS - Antonin Scalia Interview From Purgatory

"Scalia's Ghost Apologizes after Meeting with Founding Fathers" by Michael Egan, Humor Times 3/6/2016

Spooky former Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia admitted from Purgatory that his ‘Originalist' theories were just ‘arglebargle, applesauce and jiggery-pokery.'

PURGATORY – Demands by the Heritage Foundation that late Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia be permitted to vote “from beyond the grave” have been unexpectedly realized.  However, the Foundation is unlikely to be pleased.

A shocking new interview with the ghost of the recently departed judge, speaking via GoogleSeance™ satellite from his cell inside Purgatory's notorious “Hypocrites' Hell Hole” yesterday, took both the internet and the world by storm.  YouTube said its site crashed for more than three hours.

The entire GOP Congressional caucus is said to now be in crisis.

During his two hour interview, described as “confession-like,” an ashen-faced Scalia admitted that all his earthly legal opinions were nothing more than “arglebargle, applesauce and jiggery-pokery,” lavishly financed by the Kochs and the bloody-handed oil industry.

Also in the video, Scalia grovellingly apologizes to America's liberals and leftists, all of whom, he now admits, “were and are completely right, factually immaculate and unerringly correct on every single major social and economic issue facing the country today.  There, I said it.”

Scalia adds:  “For God's sake – and I am speaking on the Highest Authority here – dump Trump and elect Bernie Sanders president!  It's America's only hope!”

Mr Scalia revealed that the dramatic reversal in his opinions followed “several mandatory meetings with the ‘Original Originalists' themselves, the actual Founding Fathers and authors of the US Constitution.”

The ex-judge acknowledged that right off the bat Ben Franklin had quickly educated him about the so-called “Intentional Fallacy,” the “Tony Baloney” underlying Scalia's “Originalist” legal approach.

Well-known among literary scholars and Talmudic analysts, the Intentional Fallacy (IF) means that you can't read a document two centuries old or more and be certain about its authors' “real but hidden” meanings.

“That's so obvious it's almost embarrassing,” Scalia shamefacedly admits in the video.  “I can't believe Ruthie Ginsburg and the girls let me get away with it for so long.”

The dead judge also declared that Thomas Jefferson himself had “definitively” cleared up one of the Bill of Rights' most controversial points:  The Second Amendment.

“Tom told me personally more than once that the critical part of Two was ‘a well-regulated militia,'” Scalia insisted.  “Apparently what they really had in mind was something like a modern police force, which of course didn't exist in those days.”

Scalia shook his head.  “They certainly didn't intend that every uneducated lunatic with psychological problems could roam the streets with a freaking Howitzer!  Adams, Hamilton, Madison, all those guys, even General Washington, told me the same thing too.

“And by the way, Washington wants everyone to know that he never had wooden teeth, okay?”

The judge noted that he was trying to channel his former “idiot colleague,” Clarence Thomas, so as to change his “blind and pathetically wrong-headed” attempts to imitate him.

If he “cures” Thomas, Scalia said, he might be eventually released from Purgatory and allowed a second trial.  He noted with satisfaction that he'd recently “mind-controlled” Thomas to finally open his mouth at a Court hearing, the first time in 10 years.

“Of course, he made complete idiot of himself,” Scalia sighed.  “But unfortunately he's my only way outa here, God help me.”

Some viewers say that at this point a deep, off-camera voice may be heard.  “Not quite yet, Antonin,” it says.  “Not quite yet.”

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News

"ISIS to Use Remote-Control Bombs:  Suicide Bombers Fuming" by P. Beckert, Humor Times 1/8/2016

Call ISIS decision-makers ‘weak’ and ‘pussies’

A group of suicide bombers have made it known that they are not the least bit happy about a decision made by ISIS leaders to develop remote-control bombs that can kill hundreds of people without one suicide bomber dying.  They are up in arms, no pun intended, and say they will fight the new mandate, if necessary with self-explosives.

“What are we becoming?” asked Abdoul Abbabbi Abeddie “Ed” for short, a 16-year-old teen who has been living and training in the Middle East since he was 12 years old to be the next great suicide bomber.

Ed, who celebrated puberty with the declaration “I can grow a beard, finally!” had this to say about the mandate:  “A robot cannot receive its reward of virgins after blowing itself up.  That’s just sick.  It would be a great waste of virgins if we were to use robots to do a boy’s, I mean, a man’s job,” he chastised.

The decision to use remote-control bombs came after ISIS realized that many of its devoted followers were not that keen on going in and taking out lives when it involved taking their own.

“Who knew?” said one ISIS leader known only as Farouk.

“Now, even the offer of dozens of virgins after death are not enough to make these boys, I mean men, want to join ISIS,” adding, “if we could use the virgins in this life to make them fight, sure, but then we have the problem that they might fall in love, want to get married, the whole family thing, and then we have to wait another 12 years for one of his offspring to join.  It becomes a real problem for us,” he said.

Farouk, a mere child himself, hopes that once these guys see how cool the drones actually are, they will change their minds and get back on board.  His plan is to first develop an X-box game with heat-seeking drones as the weapon, get the kids, er, men hooked on the games, and then send them out into the field with the real deal.

“Once they become addicted to the games,” said Farouk, “we can then tell them that there are dozens of games just like it in this life, thereby replacing the promise of sex with the promise of a whole arsenal of virtual war games, a win-win for us.”

In a related story out of Des Moines, Iowa, Senator Ted Cruz commented on this latest development in the Middle East, saying, “America has nothing to worry about when it comes to heat-seeking missiles, as there is no such thing as global warming and therefore, nothing warm for the missiles to target.”

HUMOR TIMES - Faux News

"Almighty Swaps Son of God for New One:  Jon Stewart" by John Glynn, Humor Times 8/9/2015

God taps Jon Stewart to replace ‘disappointing’ original

He’s been regarded by millions as a superhuman being, a deity, a comedic god — but after more than 16 years working as “The Daily Show” anchor, Jon Stewart has left the building.

Stewart wasn’t the most pious of hosts, and he didn’t always speak highly of God – “I don’t know what the f*ck that guy is smoking, but I don’t want any,” he once told Rolling Stone.

However, at the Immortal Mortals ceremony on Friday night, which saw Stewart inducted into The Comedy Hall of Fame, the man himself (a.k.a. God) displayed no feelings of animosity whatsoever.  Delivering a deferential speech in praise of the presenter, God took to the podium and stole the show:

Jon Stewart, also known as Soupy, Lefty, Poochy and Ball Busting Bastard by all the people at Fox, is an artist in every sense of the word.  Who better to give a speech on Jon than me, his creator?  The diminutive demon was born on November 28, 1962, in New York City.  His full name is Jonathan Stuart Leibowitz, and it’s easy to see why he decided to distance himself from such a hideous surname.  Jon told the world that the reason for his name change was a deeply personal matter, not a professional one.  He attributed the name change to a strained relationship with his father, but don’t be fooled, people, he was simply embarrassed by its “Jewishness,” for lack of a better term.

After some heckles from the crowd, much to God’s dismay, the divine one shouted, “Hey, I’m allowed make Jew jokes.  Jesus, tough crowd.”

The Almighty continued:

Anyway, back to Jon Stewart.  At Lawrence High School in Lawrence Township, New Jersey, this modern day legend wasn’t exactly a chick magnet.  Yes, he was a band member, but he played the French horn, for God’s sake, sorry, for my sake.  His lack of musical prowess and lack of romantic encounters — zero, to be precise – hung over him like a dark, sexually frustrated cloud.  He went on to attend the College of William and Mary in Virginia.  While studying, Jon took on a slew of random, part-time jobs – dog groomer, puppeteer, horse whisperer, and clairvoyant, to name just four.

However, in 1986, in Jon’s mind, anyway, his luck seemed to change when he was offered a stand-up gig.  Thanks to his one man show, Blood, Sweat, and Drunken Jeers, it wasn’t long before Jon found himself living the ultimate dream — appearing on basic cable.

After some forced, truly uncomfortable laughter, God continued:

He headlined MTV’s first talk show, The Jon Stewart Show, and it remained on air just long enough to bomb faster than Robin Thicke’s credibility.  Jon then went back to MTV hosting yet another shit-show that, surprise, surprise, failed.  He seemed to be the human representation of erectile dysfunction — a complete flop.

After turning his glass of Beverly Hills 9OH2O water into a glass of 1982 Chateau Mouton — a transformation met by a chorus of ooooohs and aaaahhhhs, God continued:

Oh, now I have your attention.  And you thought the water into wine parable was horseshit.  Similar to a fine wine, people, Jon simply gets better with age.  Yes, his 20’s were full of forgettable moments, but Jesus, my actual son, stayed in Nazareth up until he was 32, doing absolutely nothing remarkable, and some of you simpletons regard him as the greatest man to ever walk the world.  To me, honestly, Jesus was — and still is — a disappointment.  Any crazy claims that he spent his 20’s backpacking around India or visiting friends in England are just that — crazy claims.  Yes, he performed a few magic tricks, but nothing Penn & Teller can’t do.

A perplexed looking audience watched on as God wrapped up:

Jesus was dead by the age of 33, having achieved very little, no qualifications, no wife, no children, twelve male friends … well, better make that eleven, can’t forget Judas, the bastard.

By the age of 33, on the other hand, Jon Stewart was hosting a talk show for the BBC, he was hanging around with Dave Chappelle, Eddie Izzard, and Christopher Hitchens.  In 1997, Jon was chosen as the host and interviewer for George Carlin’s 10th HBO special, 40 years of Comedy.

Like my son, Jon was crucified early on in his career, albeit less gruesomely.  But Stewart came back stronger, we saw a new and improved Jon, a sharper Jon, a more clinical Jon, and, most of all, a funnier Jon.  He deserves more than his place in the Comedy Hall of Fame.

So now, I, God, your master, wish to state that, from this very moment, Jon Stewart is to be known as the official son of God.  Jesus, if you’re listening, pack your bags and cut your hair, time to find yourself new digs and an actual job.

"Next GOP Debate to Follow ‘Hunger Games / Dating Naked’ Format" by Michael Egan, Humor Times 8/8/2015

Naked presidential hopefuls will hunt each other down, survivor wins nomination, according to new GOP debate rules.

Fox News announced today that it was launching a new ‘Hunger Games’ reality show in which all 17 GOP presidential hopefuls would be released naked into the wilds with instructions to hunt one another down “to the death.”

The lone survivor of this radical new GOP debate format will be the party’s nominee for president in 2016.

Fox’s president and de facto Republican Party Chairman, Roger Ailes, said at a news conference that candidates would be flown out to Yora Goosa Isa Kookt, a tiny atoll in the South Pacific with nothing but palm trees, a small spring and a flock of rare Nene geese, for whom it is named.

Donald Trump would not be allowed to use his own helicopter, but all candidates could bring a single weapon of their own choice.  Ted Cruz, for example, was bringing an AR-15 wrapped in bacon, while Lindsey Graham would be armed with “an industrial-strength blender containing a cell phone.”

Ailes added:  “Cruz believes that if he doesn’t get his opponents with the rifle, the nitrates and cholesterol in the bacon should do the trick.  And Lindsey has a frightening sneer.”

Among other weapons, GOP front runner Donald Trump would bring only his own monstrous ego, using it to drain all the oxygen out of the air.  However, Ailes said, the likely highlight of the first day would be “killing the pig,” i.e., the bloated billionaire, who is scheduled to be hunted down by the rest in a “tasteful reenactment” of the famous episode in Lord of the Flies.

Megyn Kelly would “gleefully but professionally” provide the commentary for this part of the debate.  After Piggy’s death, organizers say, the pack will roast him over a celebratory bonfire and then deal with one another.  The Donald Trump Roast will go down in history.

Ailes went on to note that Rick Santorum was bringing a huge Bible to thump everyone with.  Mike Huckabee, going one better, had decided to “rely on the Word of Almighty God alone.”

It was expected that along with Trump, both would make an early exit.

The only weapon explicitly banned, Ailes said, was Chris Christie’s stomach, which the New Jersey governor would be required to keep covered at all times.

“Like the Medusa’s head, its too disgusting and horrible,” Ailes said, adding that Christie’s big fat mouth would keep him competitive, “just as it has until now.”

“And I really hope,” Ailes shuddered, “that Christie doesn’t also fetch along any of his birth-control methods.  Just thinking about him having sex is nauseating, and I deal with Rupert Murdoch on a regular basis.”

Among the other candidates, Ailes noted, Rand Paul was bringing the entire US tax code and a box of matches.  Rick Perry had developed something called the “Oops,” a secret weapon allowing him to “disappear” other candidates by failing to remember their names one out of three times.

In response to a reporter’s question, Ailes said that he was confident Carly Fiorina would be able to compete on equal terms with her male rivals.  He pointed out that she is equipped “with a set of balls far larger than any of them,” and that she intends to use her testicular superiority to beat them into submission, “just like she did the so-called men at Hewlett Packard.”

Dr Ben Carson’s Hunger Games GOP debate strategy was to bore everyone to death.  “He’s bringing a podium,” said Ailes, “and will simply keep talking until the rest commit suicide.”

MEDIA - One Last Zinger, Jon Stewart

"How funny man Jon Stewart became a serious influence" PBS NewsHour 8/6/2015

Excerpt

SUMMARY:  Called the nation's "satirist in chief," Jon Stewart’s comedic rants and skewering of the daily news have had far-reaching influence on media and politics.  Now he's leaving "The Daily Show" after 16 years.  Jeffrey Brown looks back at Stewart’s impact.

GWEN IFILL (NewsHour):  One last zinger, one last laugh, one last bow.  Jon Stewart takes his leave of “The Daily Show” tonight.

Jeffrey Brown has our look.

JON STEWART, Host, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart:  Whose team are we on in the Middle East?

(LAUGHTER)

JEFFREY BROWN (NewsHour):  Jon Stewart has been called the nation’s satirist in chief, and recently he went at it, once again, with the commander in chief.

JON STEWART:  We’re fighting with Iraqis to defeat ISIS, along with Iran, but, in Yemen, we’re fighting Iran with Iraqis and Saudis.

(LAUGHTER)

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  That’s not quite right, but that’s OK.

(LAUGHTER)

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  But, look…

JON STEWART:  Whose team are…

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  Look, here’s…

JON STEWART:  Who are we bombing?

JEFFREY BROWN:  It was President Obama’s seventh appearance on Stewart’s “Daily Show,” and his last.

PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA:  I’m issuing a new executive order that Jon Stewart cannot leave the show.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

JEFFREY BROWN:  But Stewart is leaving, after 16 years of a kind of faux newscast that took daily events and gave them a comedic, often pointed twist.

HUMOR - Faux News, Crazies Today

"Texans Celebrate Victory Over the Union & Obama’s 'Jade Helm' Attack" by Michael Egan 7/27/2015

Gov. Greg Abbott and Texas celebrate their first victory over the Union since the Civil War:  Obama’s “Jade Helm 15? blitzkrieg has been thwarted.

Wacko, TX — Church bells rang throughout Texas today and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15? attack.

“We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted newly elected Gov. Greg Abbott from his command headquarters, in an undisclosed desert location somewhere near the previously unlisted bunker-town of Wacko, TX.

Waving messages of congratulation and support from Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party inebriates, Abbott continued:  “Obama was preparing to invade us but I put the Texas State Guard on alert to protect our guns, women and children.  They seen ’em off pretty damn quick!”

The governor paused to drape himself defiantly in not one but two Confederate flags and several Remember the Alamo! stickers.

Abbot went on to note that under the guise of conducting the “Jade Helm 15” military exercises, Obama and his “thugger friends” had been planning a lightning “Hitler-style blitzkrieg” attack followed by the declaration of martial law throughout the state.

Forcibly disarmed inebriates would be imprisoned in the five Wal-Marts recently closed for so-called renovation, and compelled to become Muslims.  Their women and children would be sold off to Boko Haram, and the men dressed in orange jump suits and beheaded on national TV.

The objectives included the annexation of Texas by the United States and the proclamation of Sharia Law.

Abbott said however that Jesus had given the Lone Star state its first military victory since the 1860s.  In the aftermath, Texas would be rededicating itself to God, the Holy Constitution and the return of its gold from wherever the Federal government had concealed it.

“We believe in the Three G’s,” the governor said.  “Guns, Gold and Geesus, not necessarily in that order.”

Abbott warned that from now on any protests by “the thuggers and their thugger-loving liberal friends” would be confronted by freedom-loving armed vigilante groups, the police and the National Guard.

“Just like in Dallas,” said Abbott, referring to last May’s “Solidarity With Baltimore” demonstration.  Silenced and intimidated by Texans Against Gun Grabbers (TAGG), a paramilitary organization wearing fatigues and armed with AR-15s, frightened demonstrators were quickly driven off the streets.

“Sorry, but our armed citizens were only there to ensure the demonstration did not turn into another Baltimore,” Abbott explained, quoting TAGG’s organizers.

“Nor will the rest of Texas,” he continued.  “We’re well on the way to seceding again, and this time, No More Mister Nice Guy!  Till then your thugger friends better keep their seat belts fastened and make sure they signal when they change lanes.

“And no damn integrated pool parties.”

"What Term Best Describes Donald Trump?  Google It" by John Glynn 7/28/2015

When Donald Trump came up in a search for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time,” Google apologized, saying the truth can be hard to swallow.

Google has apologized after photographs of Donald Trump recently appeared in image search results for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time.”

Images of the American business magnate, investor, television personality and weird hairdo extraordinaire appeared alongside a ruthless gangster, a murderer, one dictator and Bill O’Reilly in the search results.

Google said it was sorry “for any confusion or misunderstanding, even though Donald Trump is — and will always be — a horrible person.” Larry Page, Google’s CEO, blamed the results on a British website that had published an image of Trump with misleading metadata, the information often used by sites to represent various content.

“These results do not accurately reflect the company’s opinions, and we are sorry.  Mr. Trump is more of a douchebag than an asshole, so his image should have appeared on a different top 10 search,” said Page.

“Sometimes, the way images are described on the internet can provide strange results to specific queries,” Page added.  “For example, in recent times, a Google search for soft balls brought up images of Tom Brady.  We apologize for any confusion or misunderstanding, I’m sure this is a distressing time for Mr. Trump.  He’s probably pulling his hair out… hopefully.”

Along with the founder of Trump Entertainment and Bill O’Reilly, other results for the search query “Top 10 Assholes” include Muammar Gaddafi, Charles Manson, Osama bin Laden, and John Mayer.

Page said numerous news articles with images of Donald Trump pictured alongside other “like-minded assholes'” were also to blame.  “Look, when you hang around with Usher, Michael Kors, Matt Lauer, and Rudy Giuliani, what the hell do you expect?”

Last week Google apologized after searches that included the term “toxic” brought up images of Fox News. Five years ago, rather embarrassingly, Google’s search auto-complete system also suggested the television channel when typing the words “fecal matter.”

"Donald Trump’s War Record" by Roger Freed 7/21/2015

Report:  McCain is a wuss, and The Donald’s military experience can easily Trump him

After Donald Trump’s scathing attack on Senator John McCain’s war record the Investigation’s Department here at Humor Times did a little digging into Trump’s own military record.  It turns out that the great Donald also has a legacy of war experience.

Here is what we have uncovered:

As a young child, Donald Trump on 10 separate occasions was involved in fierce snowball fights, one even causing injury to his right leg as he was hit by a devious ice-ball.

At study hall in the second grade Trump was involved in a vicious rubber band fight suffering a red eye from a particularly well aimed rubber band.

At age eleven Trump watched every episode from all five seasons of the television show Combat.

In middle school Trump got into a fist fight with a student wearing a German military coat.  Donald suffered a Dutchman’s Rub and a wedgie from the conflict.

At age sixteen Trump partook in a high school play portraying a World War I soldier returning from Europe with amnesia about his battlefield experience.  He was really bad at it.

As a young stockbroker on Wall Street at age 22 he actually gave a dollar to a veteran soliciting donations on the street and got a red artificial poppy to put in his lapel.

While stuck in a hotel in Newark one night due to bad weather Donald Trump watched the entire length of the movie The Great Escape.  Later he went further and actually read an article about it.

Trump will actually be nice to veterans in uniform he meets at his properties and will only be a little bit condescending to them.

Once, after watching a documentary about Hitler on the History Channel, Trump thought secretly to himself “That guy did have some good ideas.”

While visiting Europe Trump did a tour of Omaha Beach where D-Day took place and questioned a local Realtor about the possibility of buying it up to build a casino.

Donald Trump actually owns a few guns like the ones they use in real wars.

While visiting Nagasaki in Japan while on a business trip Trump was heard to comment “Nice how they fixed it up.”

But above and beyond all the aforementioned war experiences it must be noted and emphasized that DONALD TRUMP WAS NEVER CAPTURED UNLIKE THAT PANSY JOHN MCCAIN!!!

(Authors side note — Donald Trump’s real war record goes like this:  he got out of the draft during the Vietnam War first by getting a college deferment, then later another deferment for having a bone spur in his foot, then got a high number in the draft lottery.  That is getting close to Dick Cheney’s record of five draft deferments.)

FAUX NEWS - Jesus Christ Election Endorsement

NOTE:  This is fake news humor.

"Jesus Christ Endorses Bernie Sanders for President" by Michael Egan, Humor Times 6/13/2015

‘Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,’ sayeth the Lord, throwing his support to Bernie Sanders.

HEAVENSGATE – Jesus Christ endorsed Bernie Sanders for president today, during a wide-ranging heavenly interview about world and celestial affairs.  The Lord said that His Father fully agreed with Him and that the Holy Ghost was “slowly coming around and would certainly be there by election time.”

He noted that the Virgin Mary remained inclined to support Hillary on gender grounds, and also didn’t like Bernie’s religious skepticism.  But while Sanders wasn’t a Christian or even a theist, Jesus said he would continue to support him anyway.

“I know the old codger is an atheist Jewish socialist,” He admitted.  “But if you forget the adjectives, you’ll see that we stand for pretty much the same things, him and Me.  You could sum up Bernie’s campaign as, ‘Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,’ which is the core of what I had to say.”

After a moment Jesus added:  “Actually, I’ve come up with some improvements over the years.  ‘Don’t do unto others what you wouldn’t like them doing unto you,’” He said.  “For example, not taking away poor and sick folks’ health insurance, or forbidding people from feeding them on the streets.  I mean, for My sakes, that’s just basic.”

Jesus said that because Sanders stood against Mammon — the Big Money interests — he was “naturally” of the party of God, whatever his personal religious opinions.  “He’s just the good Samaritan,” Jesus sagely remarked.

“I always said you cannot serve both God and Mammon at the same time,” he added, “And there is no doubt about whose side of the street Bernie is actually on, or where you’ll find his so-called Christian opponents.  They’re so stuffed with greenbacks you can see the edges poking out their hairy ears.  Those camels haven’t got a hope of getting in here.”

Jesus wept.  “Indeed, Mammon worship is now the true faith in the Land flowing with Koch and Money,” He said.  “The new Trinity is David, Charles and Sheldon.”

“Ironically,” continued the Lord, “Bernie alone among your presidential candidates stands for true Christian values – compassion for the poor and hungry, respect for the elderly, care for the young and sick, and justice tempered with mercy for the rest.

“Bernie Sanders is more like Me than most of those whited sepulchers who molest children, steal and cheat, rape the fracking environment, start wars, and cross upon the other side when there’s one in need.”

Jesus noted that it was against His Father’s rules to intervene directly in the American electoral process by, for example, miraculously changing the vote outcome, or eliminating the GOP’s vicious vote-suppression laws.  He was tempted, but also wasn’t allowed to enlighten “idiots” like Justices Scalia and Thomas.

“Sorry, but it’s that damn Free Will thing again,” He explained.  “You guys have just gotta do it for yourselves.  My Mom and I can lament and appear from time to time to uneducated, teenage girls, but in the end all We’re really allowed to do is give you losers some good advice.

“So here it is.  Go to www.berniesanders.com and get involved.  I don’t want to be a spoiler, but the American story will have a really depressing ending if you don’t.”

He touched his exposed, sacred heart.  “Beam me up, Scotty,” he said, and in a poof disappeared.