SATIRE - 'The Hobbit'

"Highlights Of 'The Hobbit'" The Onion

Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy novel. Here’s what to expect from the surefire blockbuster:

• First 75 minutes of film to recap what happened in Lord Of The Rings trilogy
• As it takes place decades in the past, all dwarves have flattops and denim jackets
• Younger version of Gollum played by Channing Tatum
• A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition
• Bilbo is forced to challenge Gollum to a game of one-on-one basketball
• Since fans have had enough time to learn, Elvish language will not be subtitled
• Bilbo’s hobbit-hole has wall-to-wall carpeting
  
• Casting of actual wizards instead of actors playing wizards