SPORTS - Cubs WIN 2016 MLB World Series!

(satire)

"Millions Of Drunk Cubs Fans Rioting In Heaven Following World Series Win" The Onion 11/2/2016

THE HEAVENS—Following a 8-7 victory over the Cleveland Indians that clinched the team's first World Series title since 1908, sources confirmed Wednesday that millions of intoxicated Chicago Cubs fans are currently rioting across Heaven.

Moments after watching the game's final out from above Earth, massive throngs of intoxicated Cubs fans—most of whom went their entire lives without ever seeing the team win a World Series—poured out all over the eternal city, where they reportedly continued drinking heavily as they cheered, hugged strangers, and loudly played golden harps in celebration of their long-awaited championship.

“Let's go, Cubbies!” screamed Susan Leitch, who died of cardiac arrest in 1997 at the age of 70, before joining hundreds of fellow deceased Chicago fans as they repeatedly sang the chorus of “Go Cubs, Go!”  “World Series champs! Finally!”

“Woo!” continued Leitch as she drunkenly stumbled over her feet and broke out in a fit of laughter.

According to reports, after one fan managed to affix a large “W” win flag to the top of the Pearly Gates, a large mob of Cubs fans began violently shaking the gateway as they chanted third baseman Kris Bryant's name for nearly an hour.  Sources confirmed that the gold-paved streets were quickly littered with empty beer cans, cigarettes, spilled food, and other refuse, while a number of inebriated fans were also seen urinating against the sapphire, emerald, and diamond–encrusted walls that protect the sacred realm.

In addition to firing a slew of Roman candles upwards into infinity, a pack of belligerent fans reportedly succeeded in rocking the Throne of God back and forth until the seat of the Almighty Father tipped over onto the ground, after which several men and women began jumping up and down atop it.

Many witnesses also reported seeing at least one fan hunched over and vomiting over the side of a cloud.

“We did it!” shouted former Chicago resident Arnold Mathis, a victim of the 1918 flu pandemic, after climbing up the Tree of Life and bouncing on one of its branches.  “I can't believe we actually did it!”

“Everybody's getting fucked up tonight!” added Mathis.  “I've waited my entire afterlife for this!”

Some of the festivities reportedly began getting out of hand when a group of Cubs fans lit the Ladder of Divine Ascent on fire, and shortly thereafter, several teenagers dumped an entire pitcher of beer on the head of an archangel as he attempted to fly through the raucous crowds.  Numerous men were later seen stripping off their shimmering Heavenly robes and streaking through God's Kingdom.

However, reports also confirmed that dozens of small children were celebrating peacefully while sitting on the shoulders of their parents or grandparents, with many wearing youth Cubs jerseys bearing the names and numbers of Ron Santo, Billy Williams, Ryne Sandberg, and Jake Arrieta.

According to sources, the championship celebrations are expected to continue for much of eternity.

“Cubbies!  The curse is over, baby!” said longtime fan and father of three Andrew Horton, slurring most of his words as he adjusted his Cubs hat underneath his halo.  “I just fuckin' [unintelligible], you know?  Man...[unintelligible].”

“Cubbies!” Horton added.

At press time, sources within Heaven confirmed that hundreds of disorderly Cubs fans had been apprehended and sent to Hell.

SATIRE - Secret Service Hearing, 'The Onion'

"Obama Currently Being Chased In Background Of Secret Service Hearing" News in Brief, The Onion 10/1/2014

WASHINGTON—In the wake of a series of lapses in presidential security, Secret Service director Julia Pierson appeared before the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Tuesday, seemingly unaware that President Obama himself was, at that moment, being chased by an assailant in the background.  “We have made mistakes, and we want to assure the American people that we are committed to fixing them,” Pierson said, as a frantic Obama ran back and forth through the congressional hearing room, occasionally clambering over chairs to escape what observers described as a highly agitated man with a knife.  “Protecting the president is our most important duty, and you have my promise that from this moment forward, we will do it as we should.”  At press time, Obama was seen blocking knife blows with a legal pad as Pierson declared her intention to conduct a thorough internal review.

ONION - Movie Reviews, 'Gone Girl'

"The Onion Reviews 'Gone Girl'" by Peter K. Rosenthal, The Onion

SATIRE - Onion's Week in Review 11/30/2012

"Romney Locks Self In Oval Office During White House Visit" Week in Review, The Onion 11/30/2012

The Department of the Interior releases a brand new stick, a lax Pet Smart background check allows a deranged gerbil to slip through the cracks, and a high school for the performing arts student is facing some really weird social pressures. It's the week of November 30, 2012.

SATIRE - Horse Bites

"Shocking Report Says Even The Smallest Horse Bite Can Be Harmful To Newborn Babies" The Onion

SATIRE - Royal Birth Expected

"15-Year-Old Duchess Of McComb, AL Announces Pregnancy" The Onion 12/4/2012

MCCOMB, AL—In an announcement that quickly set Lowndes County abuzz with excitement, royal family sources revealed Tuesday that Brandy Puckett, 15, Duchess of McComb and first in the line of succession to the throne, was pregnant with her first child.

“Brandy’s got a baby in her!” said Duke Bo Puckett, 17, addressing a rabid mob of reporters and paparazzi gathered around the back porch of the royal estate. “She hadn’t bled for quite a spell, so we took her to the doctor and he said she’s gonna be a mama.”

Ending widespread speculation that the duchess was “sick with something on account of she was throwing up,” McComb palace officials confirmed that Duchess Brandy was three months pregnant, would give birth early next summer, and had already put in for two months of maternity leave from the local Price Chopper.

“Don’t know who the daddy is yet,” said Brandy’s mother Lurline III, the unmarried, 28-year-old reigning Queen of McComb. “Might could be her pa’s, but probably not, though. Me, I reckon it’s most likely either [Earl of Lowndesboro] Clyde’s or [Gordonville High Count] Darryl’s.”

“Whosoever it is, I ain’t taking care of it,” Her Royal Highness added.

Though the byzantine, incestuous royal ancestry of McComb is reportedly impossible to trace for more than a couple of generations, experts on the family confirmed that the duchess’s child is set to move ahead of Brandy’s six brothers and eight sisters in the line of succession, presumptively becoming monarch directly after Brandy herself.

“It’s a figurehead position, ’course,” said Lord “Skeeter” Puckett, who explained that real power in Lowndes County ultimately resides with the sheriff. “The child’s role will be to please the people; enjoy the life of McComb royalty, free from responsibility; wave at the public through the screen door; wear the royal camouflage sun hat; and fill his or her days with recreational game hunting, fishing, and off-road driving in the royal pickup.”

The pregnancy announcement came as welcome news for the royal family, which has endured numerous scandals, the most recent of which was the McComb Enquirer’s publication of a nude photo of all 53 of Brandy’s cousins.

At press time, sources confirmed the duchess had been hospitalized for a Vicodin overdose.

SATIRE - 'The Hobbit'

"Highlights Of 'The Hobbit'" The Onion

Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy novel. Here’s what to expect from the surefire blockbuster:

• First 75 minutes of film to recap what happened in Lord Of The Rings trilogy
• As it takes place decades in the past, all dwarves have flattops and denim jackets
• Younger version of Gollum played by Channing Tatum
• A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition
• Bilbo is forced to challenge Gollum to a game of one-on-one basketball
• Since fans have had enough time to learn, Elvish language will not be subtitled
• Bilbo’s hobbit-hole has wall-to-wall carpeting
  
• Casting of actual wizards instead of actors playing wizards