Gov. Greg Abbott and Texas celebrate their first victory over the Union since the Civil War: Obama’s “Jade Helm 15? blitzkrieg has been thwarted.
Wacko, TX — Church bells rang throughout Texas today and people danced in the streets celebrating the state’s first military victory over the US Government since the Civil War, as they defeated Obama’s evil “Jade Helm 15? attack.
“We done seen ’em damn Yankees off this time!” exulted newly elected Gov. Greg Abbott from his command headquarters, in an undisclosed desert location somewhere near the previously unlisted bunker-town of Wacko, TX.
Waving messages of congratulation and support from Sen. Ted Cruz and other Tea Party inebriates, Abbott continued: “Obama was preparing to invade us but I put the Texas State Guard on alert to protect our guns, women and children. They seen ’em off pretty damn quick!”
The governor paused to drape himself defiantly in not one but two Confederate flags and several Remember the Alamo! stickers.
Abbot went on to note that under the guise of conducting the “Jade Helm 15” military exercises, Obama and his “thugger friends” had been planning a lightning “Hitler-style blitzkrieg” attack followed by the declaration of martial law throughout the state.
Forcibly disarmed inebriates would be imprisoned in the five Wal-Marts recently closed for so-called renovation, and compelled to become Muslims. Their women and children would be sold off to Boko Haram, and the men dressed in orange jump suits and beheaded on national TV.
The objectives included the annexation of Texas by the United States and the proclamation of Sharia Law.
Abbott said however that Jesus had given the Lone Star state its first military victory since the 1860s. In the aftermath, Texas would be rededicating itself to God, the Holy Constitution and the return of its gold from wherever the Federal government had concealed it.
“We believe in the Three G’s,” the governor said. “Guns, Gold and Geesus, not necessarily in that order.”
Abbott warned that from now on any protests by “the thuggers and their thugger-loving liberal friends” would be confronted by freedom-loving armed vigilante groups, the police and the National Guard.
“Just like in Dallas,” said Abbott, referring to last May’s “Solidarity With Baltimore” demonstration. Silenced and intimidated by Texans Against Gun Grabbers (TAGG), a paramilitary organization wearing fatigues and armed with AR-15s, frightened demonstrators were quickly driven off the streets.
“Sorry, but our armed citizens were only there to ensure the demonstration did not turn into another Baltimore,” Abbott explained, quoting TAGG’s organizers.
“Nor will the rest of Texas,” he continued. “We’re well on the way to seceding again, and this time, No More Mister Nice Guy! Till then your thugger friends better keep their seat belts fastened and make sure they signal when they change lanes.
“And no damn integrated pool parties.”
"What Term Best Describes Donald Trump? Google It" by John Glynn 7/28/2015
When Donald Trump came up in a search for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time,” Google apologized, saying the truth can be hard to swallow.
Google has apologized after photographs of Donald Trump recently appeared in image search results for “Top 10 Assholes of All Time.”
Images of the American business magnate, investor, television personality and weird hairdo extraordinaire appeared alongside a ruthless gangster, a murderer, one dictator and Bill O’Reilly in the search results.
Google said it was sorry “for any confusion or misunderstanding, even though Donald Trump is — and will always be — a horrible person.” Larry Page, Google’s CEO, blamed the results on a British website that had published an image of Trump with misleading metadata, the information often used by sites to represent various content.
“These results do not accurately reflect the company’s opinions, and we are sorry. Mr. Trump is more of a douchebag than an asshole, so his image should have appeared on a different top 10 search,” said Page.
“Sometimes, the way images are described on the internet can provide strange results to specific queries,” Page added. “For example, in recent times, a Google search for soft balls brought up images of Tom Brady. We apologize for any confusion or misunderstanding, I’m sure this is a distressing time for Mr. Trump. He’s probably pulling his hair out… hopefully.”
Along with the founder of Trump Entertainment and Bill O’Reilly, other results for the search query “Top 10 Assholes” include Muammar Gaddafi, Charles Manson, Osama bin Laden, and John Mayer.
Page said numerous news articles with images of Donald Trump pictured alongside other “like-minded assholes'” were also to blame. “Look, when you hang around with Usher, Michael Kors, Matt Lauer, and Rudy Giuliani, what the hell do you expect?”
Last week Google apologized after searches that included the term “toxic” brought up images of Fox News. Five years ago, rather embarrassingly, Google’s search auto-complete system also suggested the television channel when typing the words “fecal matter.”
"Donald Trump’s War Record" by Roger Freed 7/21/2015
Report: McCain is a wuss, and The Donald’s military experience can easily Trump him
After Donald Trump’s scathing attack on Senator John McCain’s war record the Investigation’s Department here at Humor Times did a little digging into Trump’s own military record. It turns out that the great Donald also has a legacy of war experience.
Here is what we have uncovered:
As a young child, Donald Trump on 10 separate occasions was involved in fierce snowball fights, one even causing injury to his right leg as he was hit by a devious ice-ball.
At study hall in the second grade Trump was involved in a vicious rubber band fight suffering a red eye from a particularly well aimed rubber band.
At age eleven Trump watched every episode from all five seasons of the television show Combat.
In middle school Trump got into a fist fight with a student wearing a German military coat. Donald suffered a Dutchman’s Rub and a wedgie from the conflict.
At age sixteen Trump partook in a high school play portraying a World War I soldier returning from Europe with amnesia about his battlefield experience. He was really bad at it.
As a young stockbroker on Wall Street at age 22 he actually gave a dollar to a veteran soliciting donations on the street and got a red artificial poppy to put in his lapel.
While stuck in a hotel in Newark one night due to bad weather Donald Trump watched the entire length of the movie The Great Escape. Later he went further and actually read an article about it.
Trump will actually be nice to veterans in uniform he meets at his properties and will only be a little bit condescending to them.
Once, after watching a documentary about Hitler on the History Channel, Trump thought secretly to himself “That guy did have some good ideas.”
While visiting Europe Trump did a tour of Omaha Beach where D-Day took place and questioned a local Realtor about the possibility of buying it up to build a casino.
Donald Trump actually owns a few guns like the ones they use in real wars.
While visiting Nagasaki in Japan while on a business trip Trump was heard to comment “Nice how they fixed it up.”
But above and beyond all the aforementioned war experiences it must be noted and emphasized that DONALD TRUMP WAS NEVER CAPTURED UNLIKE THAT PANSY JOHN MCCAIN!!!
(Authors side note — Donald Trump’s real war record goes like this: he got out of the draft during the Vietnam War first by getting a college deferment, then later another deferment for having a bone spur in his foot, then got a high number in the draft lottery. That is getting close to Dick Cheney’s record of five draft deferments.)
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