ON THE LITE SIDE - A King Speaks

"Hey, Where Did All My Stuff Go?" by Pharaoh Tutankhamun, The Onion (America's Finest News Source)

Well this sucks. I leave the realm of the living to roam the underworld for a few thousand years, return to my burial place to enjoy all my worldly possessions, and all of a sudden, everything is gone. Everything. The alabaster chalice, the cobra amulet, that gold vulture thing I've had since I was a baby—all of it, gone.

I don't understand how this could have happened. It was all right here. Everything I ever owned. Right fucking here. I definitely remember there was a royal scepter leaning up against the outer sarcophagus, and there were a bunch of crowns and stuff, too. I know I had at least, like, 10 crowns. And—aw, fuck me, they took my pendant with the beetle and monkeys on it. I fucking loved that pendant. It's not even worth anything, but it was still like my favorite thing. Why in the world would someone do something like this?

This afterlife is going to suck.

And where did my statue of Anubis go? Do you know how hard it's going to be to find another three-foot-long wood carving of a recumbent jackal? It's going to be impossible, that's how hard it's going to be, because it was carved for me by my grandmother Queen Nefertiti, who last I checked died in 1330 B.C. I was going to use that statue. I was going to use all of this stuff.

Now what am I supposed to do? All my shit, the necklaces, that weird lion vase, the gold fucking daggers that I couldn't fucking wait to use, gone. I have nothing to wear. I have nothing to do. I guess I'll just lie here on the floor for the rest of eternity.

Oh, but I see my wooden chest is still here. Too bad everything that was inside of it is gone. But thank goodness I still have my precious wooden chest. What would I ever do without my painted wooden chest with nothing inside of it? I see my bronze trumpet and golden throne are missing, though. Shocking. That's okay, I'll just entertain myself for the rest of time with this empty wooden chest. Who needs jewels and treasures anyway? No, this is much better. Fucking shit bastards I hate this!

I guess I should describe some of the stuff that's missing, in case anyone has seen it. It's pretty hard to miss. Pretty much everything is covered in gold. There was this bracelet I remember, which had an eye painted on it. There were these five gold rings, which I guess looked like regular gold rings, basically. I'm also missing this cool-looking statue that was like a snake with wings, but its head was a human head. And a whole bunch of other shit, too. So basically anything gold with animals and stuff is probably mine. And again, that pendant I mentioned earlier. It had a beetle on it with two monkeys, and they were holding hands or something, and they had moons and suns over their heads, and the beetle if I remember correctly was blue. Fuck, I really want that pendant back.

If anyone reading this has seen any of the stuff described above, please return it to my tomb, located in the Valley of the Kings in Egypt, immediately. Please, I seriously need this stuff back. Thank you.