ON THE LITE SIDE - Maybe, Humor Times

Joke of the Week

Earl and Bob, both obsessed with baseball, never missed their favorite team’s game. They promised each other that whoever died first and went to heaven would come back to earth and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One day, Earl died. Bob waited for him to come back. Finally Earl did.

He said to Bob, “I have good news and bad news. I'll tell you the good news first. There is baseball in heaven.”

Bob said, “That’s the best news!”

Then Earl said, “Time for the bad news... you're pitching tomorrow night.”

Faux News

"God Now Twittering" by Holy Joe, Humor Times spiritual correspondent

HEAVEN - The Christian God began "Twittering" yesterday, a way of blogging very short posts, using an internet connection or a mobile phone. And in His very first Tweet, the Lord sayeth, "If the Dalai Lama can do it, I can do it," adding, "Being the Almighty, I can go over 140 characters anytime I damn well please, I hope you know, pe..." before his post was cut off.

Religious scholars debated the ramifications of the Supreme Being's new line of communication to mankind, some postulating that it could have negative consequences for the economy and for religion, as it would put prophets out of work, and possibly even diminish people's need for churches.

"We will see preachers taking up the practice of twittering, just to stay relevant," said Norman Holimeister, professor emeritus at Harvard Divinity School. "After all, if they claim a special connection with God, they can't very well let laymen get the edge on them."

According to Holimeister, part of God's motivation to twitter may even be competitive. To support this view, he noted that five minutes after the Dalai Lama twittered, "Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions," God tweeted, "I made humans inherently happy, if you can't keep it, that's just plain karma, OK, people? ROCL!" (Twitter experts said this was probably a variation on the popular acronym ROFL, translating as "Rolling on clouds laughing!")

In another post, the all-seeing deity, apparently still watching the NCAA basketball tournament, said, "Gawd, I sure gave these kids some hops, didn't I? It's downright nasty!" As a result of His basketball posts, a barrage of tweets have recently been posted that read like prayers (now being called "Twayers"), such as this one from hoopsman342: "Oh, God, please bless me with another 3" of lift, and I'll be dunking hard with some freaky hang time!"

According to twitterholic.com, God shot up to #1 worldwide within six hours of his first post. "He may be a Twewbie [a newbie on Twitter], but this is not altogether surprising," said Jeremiah Yang, Senior Analyst on Social Computing for Forrester Research in Silicon Valley, California. "After all, He has always been a very popular figure. People just want to know what's on His mind."